Growing apart…to grow together. June 26, 2008

I am very close with my family. So, Monday, I am flying home for some bonding.  Only my sister and I  can bond on a level unexplainable. I can’t wait. I love her children more than all of the grilled cheese on wheat (my favorite food) on God’s great earth so I am stoked to say the least. Recently my sisters family has been going through some though situations. Since I am on summer break I have decided to go home for a few weeks to lend my hand, heart, patience, and shoulder to her. It’s funny growing up we went through these stages…first when she was born I hated her! Who was this alien looking creature here to take over my parents attention? But soon as she grew, she grew on me and I loved helping take of her. Then as we went through elementary school she was my best friend. We did everything together, had to have the same colors of everything. If I ordered  chicken fingers with a baked potato and salad with Ranch dressing, she ordered the same. If I wanted mint chocolate chip ice cream, so did she. If I wore braids in my hair, She wanted to wear braids in hers. To sidestep my copy-cat ways (or perhaps just to be mean), I would often insist that she order her meal in the restaurant first. Or, I would order something, she would order the same and I would then change my mind and order something else.

Like most older siblings, I could be cruel. When we got to high school we were totally opposites. I was the preppy athlete, she was the sloppy skater wanna be. We Clashed!! I would ignore her in the hallways all the time, she would yell, “Hey SIS!”, I hated her. I wish she would just go away and never come back again. I was so embarrassed by her. Maybe I was this way because she always looked up to me, and I liked that. My own sister made me feel so special and popular. What I realize now is that we had to become our own people, and grow apart to again grew back together.

Anyway, the day I left for college she rode in my car with me, and we followed my parents. I had no idea what I was going to talk to her about for 2 and half hours. I hated her. She hated me. But something crazy happened in that car ride. I don’t quite remember what or how it started, but we just started talking, and singing and laughing. God works in mysterious ways! As we arrived on campus she said, “I hope your ready for this!”, and I replied, “Bring it on!”….we unpacked and then went to eat. Most awkward meal of my life. My dad was crying, my mom was quite and not really eating, my sister and I just staring at each other, knowing we were both thinking just say something! The meal ended and I was left alone. I started praying for all the obvious things a 18 year old would pray for in a new place knowing no one. A few hour later the phone rang….my sister. I was so relived! From that day on we talked everyday, sometimes 3 times. Again we needed space to grow apart, to grow together!

She is my best friend. She has always been there for me even when I treated her like my greatest nemesis.  Unlike my sister, I have a stubborn grip on optimism and the belief that, if you are nice to people, they will treat you in kind. My sister is more of a realist and, as a result, tends to get hurt a lot less than me. This brings me to the only reason I am dreading our visit.  The reasons I am going there run deep, and I will remain them to her privacy. But our conversations will run deep, and I may get frustrated and hurt. I ask god for the strength to see her side, and understand what she has been going through for the past 8 years, and in turn give her the strength and enlightenment that she needs, and is seeking from me.

So, as much as I want and need to spend time with my sister and let her be with someone who loves her unconditionally and makes her laugh like nobody’s business, I am afraid.  I  want so badly to tell her how I have been feeling because I know that she, more than anyone else in this world, wants me to guide her.  At the same time,  however, I know my sister will not sugar coat the situation and any guidance I provide may get burnt in her burning fire.

Bottom Line goes without saying…..I have been graduated from college for 5 years now, and moved away from home for 5 years now. We were growing apart only by distance, and growing together by sisterhood, age, and wisdom. So let growing apart, let us grow together on this visit home. Love you sister!

play..don’t let him get you June 24, 2008

Take a risk every day, even if it’s small. Get home a different way, take a new path; you’ll see new things. Sometimes when my friends and I go out, we make a dare for the night. I’m not revealing what we’ve dared one another, so don’t ask. I’ve begun to dare myself lately. Be bolder. Do what scares you. Do what’s hard. The Devil throws these challenges at us, to test us I believe. To test our character, our strengths, our person. Do not let him get you!

I went to the beach this morning and I was cranky. What’s wrong with me? I should be happy. I just married the man that makes me smile everyday, I have agreat job, a beautiful new house. I was restless. I don’t play enough. I need to change that. When is the last time you really played? So I got up, walked to the water, got wet, then decided to build a drippy droopy sand castle. I dug a moat and built a bridge. I’d forgotten that when you dig in the sand, deep enough, you hit a layer of shellso rock before you hit water. I loved relearning that. I was building a sand castle by myself, for no reason at all. For play. Who does that? I did.

A fifth grade girl named Margaret joined me to help. “Wow, fifth grade. When I was in fifth, we were learning cursive.”
“Golly, I learned that in like second grade.” She was chewing grape gum and offered me a piece. “Well, don’t feel bad, times are different now.” We talked about her school and how she just got her ears pierced. “Not at Claire’s. Their biggest selling accessory is infection.” I began to blink. Was I hearing things? “That’s what my mom says.” She then told me her mother’s cancer was in remission and how her friend Debbie is getting a second hole in her ear. “But she’s allowed because she is handicapped.”

Our conversation reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. I was also glad, for the first time in my life, that I had short weakass nails… all the better to play in the sand with. A moat is a good time. Go play.

a nod to sunscreen and flossing June 19, 2008

I’m drunk on Patron that’s been filtered through a watermelon and subsequently mixed over a frozen margarita. I had to disclose this, so what’s to follow will make sense to someone. This all came after I drove home from Atlanta, after having dinner and drinks with my girlfriends I had not seen in 3 weeks. Conversation started about “What we wish we knew then, that we do now”…… I was sitting here wondering what would I say, if I could, to my younger self. You know, if we went for drinks at a Mexican joint (this place, Rosa Mexicano, Atlantic Station, is hardly a joint), and I began a sentence with, “Okay, there’s something you should know…” what would follow? See, it’s easy to tent a blanket of “don’t take life so seriously” on it, but that’s like telling someone to “just relax”. The words are there, we hear them, but they don’t make us feel any differently. It’s too easy. It’s lazy advice. If I could I would only say be like Job, he was always faithful no matter what was thrown at him, and was just a great guy. People looked at Job when he was wealthy and healthy and said he was a righteous man, and likewise did the Lord.

Here’s what’s harder to say:

Keep a diary. And when you write in it, try not to dot your i’s with hearts or fat little circles. Try to write about something other than the opposite sex or the fights you have with friends. I wish I knew, when I was younger, to write about the good in my friendships and family, to document the loving moments. Write about your relationship with your cousins, with your grandfather, with your parents. I need to take this advise now, too.

Nobody cares if you bite your nails. No guy is going to notice what shoes you’re wearing, and if he does, he’s the wrong guy.

You actually look beautiful, and can leave the house, without makeup.

Learn how to keep track of your spending and realize no amount of shopping will give you real self-esteem. Even the have-to-have handbag or shoes. But, it’s okay to like nice things. Don’t be too hard on yourself for buying into consumerism. There are worse things.

Be kinder. Try to treat people as if it’s your last interaction, but at the same time, care less, a lot less, about what other people think. Read that again. Stop caring what other people think. How? Understand that this is your life, not theirs, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself if things don’t work out the way you’d hoped. At a certain point, you have to stop pointing fingers behind you toward your childhood. You cannot be walking around worried about what people will think of you. At the end of the day, all that really matters is what YOU think of you. Even if people say great things. Horrible things. Their opinion shouldn’t matter more than your own.

Don’t worry about appearing braggy, judgemental or narcissistic. It’s called having self-esteem, valuing yourself enough to think people might care about what you have to say. Don’t be ashamed about anything because all our embarrassments are part of the human condition.

Don’t play music on your outgoing answering machine message. I know you think it sounds good and everyone else does it. Don’t do that. Floss once a day!

Rich relationships are a product of who you are, not where you are. You’ll make friendships anywhere you go, so stop worrying about the right places, schools, cities, apartment complexes, neighborhoods.

Whatever decision you’re worried about, right now, whether you should do this or that, however important it feels to you, just stop. Look Up, Remember, when you’re feeling like shit, to just step away from it, for fifteen minutes and just try, TRY, to enjoy the view. Yeah, the stars shine bright deep in the sunset skies of Georgia, but I’ve preached this before. Now that I’m in, what I consider to be, the ‘city, I never think, “I wish I were living in the ‘burbs.” But when I lived in Lake Placid, I always wished for stars, stairs, and a view. So look up wherever you are and realize a world goes on outside your dramas. Really, all of it will pass, will be worked out.

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. I’m not saying to discount the consequences of your actions, but try to worry less about choosing wrong. We weigh ourselves down in it. Second-guessing ourselves. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes because, really, you learn so much when you risk. So really, it’s never a mistake. Unless it involves wearing the color orange or anything to do with a hat. These are usually mistakes best to avoid.

Ditch negative people. Don’t keep them around because you feel guilty. Hold onto your strong female friends, even if you’ve had a pissy fight. They’re really important.

I wouldn’t tell my younger self to listen more, or to be compassionate as well as passionate. I think I knew those things then. Yeah, yeah, live in the moment, in the now. I already knew that. Heard and knew the words. That’s not something I needed to hear, and it’s still not. I would have liked to have known that the truly big moments aren’t as important as the smaller quiet ones. The sidelines matter more. When traveling, I’m never impressed by the main attraction; I remember, more, the smaller moments, the little girl, when I was in Madrid, dressed in “her Sundays.” She saw me watching her walk by as I sat on a bench. She kept turning to look at me. I remember those moments most. “Keep paying attention to the smaller things,” I would say. “That’s where the good stuff is.”

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself. Yeah, you screwed up. You’re not perfect, fine. Learn from it. But don’t punish yourself. Be kind to you, even when you screw up. You’ll bounce back eventually. You’ll make up for it.

You are not fat. You are within a healthy weight range. As long as your doctor isn’t talking to you about health risks, you are not fat. Even if your fat pants no longer fit. Try, as hard as it is, to realize how good you look now. Here’s what I’ve learned. When I’m a size four, I’m usually miserable and anxious. Then, at a size ten, I’m happy in my life (miserable that I cannot fit into my wardrobe, but actually happy in my life), but as happy as I am, I long to be the miserable size four again. It’s lame-ass behavior. Stop worrying about it. Your weight issues aren’t going away, so just deal and learn to love yourself at whateverthehell size you are. Just deal.

The man should love the woman just a smidge more. Many wise woman I know have told me this. I wish someone had said it to me once upon a time. I would have listened. Life is too short to learn everything the hard way. At some point, it helps to listen. Yes, you have to experience some things for yourself, but the things I’m saying here, and especially if I had a “back to the future moment,” and it was coming from ME, I absolutely would have listened and reacted… at least while it was top of mind. I hope to look back on this one day and just add to it. I hope to keep this list top of mind, too. Especially the bit about writing about the good. As for the man loving the woman more bit, I’ve been in relationships where I just *knew* I loved him more… and in relationships where I totally just *knew* he loved me a little more… I still loved him completely, but knew, I guess, that he adored me and would never do anything to screw things up.

Don’t cling to what you know. Holy shit. This would have saved me some therapy. Push your boundaries, explore; don’t rely on the familiar. Move. Make new friends. Go out alone, and don’t be afraid of what others think about it. No one else is just like you, and you, just as you are, are important. I wish I knew and believed that then. Much more important that sunblock. Okay, just as important, anyway.

Compliment people. When people receive a compliment studies have shown that their blood pressure is actually lowered. People are immediately set at ease.

Accept compliments graciously. Don’t pull the old, “oh stop,” or “ew, no I don’t.” Don’t roll your eyes. Take it in, and really accept it. Shake your head and respond with a heartfelt, “thank you.”

Get a pet. You live longer and happier when you can care for it properly. When you’re older, you tend to live longer if you have a pet. It’s an activity; something is relying on you. You matter, even when the kids are too busy. They also lower your blood pressure.

When you feel blue, have a “self-esteem” music mix at the ready to lift your mood. Then force yourself to take a walk, wear the anxiety tired.

Eat three meals a day. Try not to snack. I don’t care what you’ve heard about grazing and blood sugar. You know you and the way you can’t stop once you start. Stick to three shots.

StraIGHT Up…MeLiSsA June 18, 2008

So now that I am married…I guess I am move on from Journal Writing, Prayer Journals, MySpace Blog, and just write on a blog….I mean it is 2008 right. So to open it just a little bit about me and then I swear they will be more interesting and upbeat. I really love some of my old stuff so that may find its way back here, more elaborated. Here it goes……………

When I write something brilliant, I actually kiss the screen (okay, sometimes I lick it). There is nothing I derive more pleasure from than writing. Okay, seex and food so don’t count. My job. Touching bark, grass stains, campfires, fireflies, swings.Blender foamed hot chocolate with real marshmallows.Lit fireplaces, playing board games, smartwool socks. Manicures, a great blow out, the perfect outfit in its bag waiting for the evening, shoes still boxed. Losing the used to be’s, train rides, strangers, quilting, my nephews. My legs after I exfoliate, grapefruit lotion in summer, rose oil in winter, memories of climbing into bed with my parents. Tea sandwiches, cucumber ice water, lavender eye mask, Egyptian cotton robe, slippers. Singing in the car, cream cheese frosting, convertibles, bing cherries, lemonade stands, awnings, rosemary, vegetable gardens, sprinklers, jelly jars, Italian signs, linen. Driving for ice cream, ballgames and frankfurters, picnics, upstate to watch the leaves. Jersey tomatoes, vodka sauce. Finding things in common, soup, movie hopping, wine tastings. Witty slang, Starbucks with Todd and Kristen, when Danny takes out his balls, girls nights, im chats with Pete. Recipes with Mom, Phone calls from old friends you thought were gone, Artichokes with drawn butter( The best in Utah), Room service, well-done French fries, blueberry picking, doing nothing.
Returning home after a week away, speaking to Monroes’ belly and kissing her bald spot.
High thread count sheets, gerbas by the bed, naps, the smell of beer can roasted chicken.
Laughing until it pisses everybody off, tasting menus, dinner parties, thoughtful gifts. Wine. Personalized stationery, calligraphy, piano bars, children’s books, finger painting, Lego’s.Fresh cut fruit in a bowl in my fridge, watching lifetime movies, my bed.
Christmas music year-round (my favorite: baby it’s cold outside), old-fashioned grilled cheese sandwiches, Parlors. Spicy nachos from the movie theatre, girlie movies, Evo’s, the Fall.B eing sore from too much seex, having faceburn from his stubble after a day of kissing. Chicken pot pie, Champagne, Christmas time. Cooking for people who love to eat, butterscotch pudding, cookbooks, honey. Silver stars, Garters, Nervenkitt Jewelry, my teeth, thanksgiving, ribbons in my hair. MONROE. Blender drinks, tall drinking glasses, rectangular plates, garnish, mini hamburgers, playing Cranium, cookouts, clambakes on the ocean, cokctail hour, banana curls, letters, when he calls, listening to songs on repeat, meatballs, my humus, staring, compliments, pixie dust, sleeping bags, acoustic guitar, crying, breathing, sitting on the floor in a meeting, being able not to care and saying it, caring, a new toothbrush, boat rides, skinny dipping, fishing, being able to keep adding to this list, being me.

Ready or Not….. June 17, 2008

Here I am! All my life stories, experiences, and interactions! ready or not…..here I come!